TOW the Big Brave Dog
by SqutternutBosh
Summary: It's the middle of the night, Monica has snuck past a sleeping Ross to be with Chandler. Rachel and Joey are out. So what are those strange noises coming from the girl's apartment? Chandler and Ross take it upon themselves to investigate. Season 5.


This idea came to me the other day and started playing out in my head, so, naturally, I had to write it down. Based in season 5, when only Joey knows about Chandler and Monica. One-shot.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters below, including Darth Vader. I'm also not making any kind of profit out of this.

'This is getting riskier everyday,' Chandler stated as Monica crawled into his bed. The digital clock on his bedside table blinked a red 2:37 as he shifted himself up against the headboard. She sat up beside him.

'I know,' she whispered. 'But it'd be worse if you came over to mine; Rachel can be woken up easier than Ross.'

'Yes, but you have to walk right past Ross to get here,' Chandler replied. 'We're just lucky that he completely zones out when he's asleep.'

'I dunno, he seemed a bit… fidgety tonight. Probably the whole Emily business. For a second, I thought he was going to wake up and see me.'

'Well, I know Joey's out with some girl. So, it's just you and me… and your lovely older

brother.'

'You're terrified of telling him, aren't you?' Monica stated, looking Chandler in the eye. She didn't even need to ask the question, she could tell. All of this time spent with Chandler and she was really beginning to understand him better. So she thought.

'Wh-Why would I be scared of him? He's a great guy… with developing _rage_ issues,' he added dryly, emphasising the word rage.

'Oh, come on, Chandler! I know you're not the bravest guy in the world, but-,'

'I can be brave!' Chandler protested. 'Remember when there was that spider in the bath and-,'

'Yeah, I still can't believe how brave it was of you to turn the tap on.'

'At least I wasn't rooted to the spot with fear.'

'What? Those things are gross… All hairy, eight legs…' she shuddered, before regaining her composure. 'Back to what I was saying before. It's Ross! He's a palaeontologist.

What's he going to do? Throw bones at you?'

'Yes, because that wouldn't give someone a concussion.'

'You have a point. But, he's a terrible thrower. He'd have to settle for blinding you with amazing scientific facts. Or putting you to sleep with them.'

Chandler shifted slightly under the covers.

'Do you not remember Red Ross?' he asked.

'Oh yeah. I'll admit it, _that_ was kind of scary.'

'Case closed,' Chandler said.

'You'll be fine, I'll protect you from the big, mean Ross.'

'Oh, now I feel much better,' Chandler muttered sarcastically. 'I need my girlfriend to stand up for me. In fact, I need her protection so much that she actually offers to do it without me needing to ask.'

'That's just how much I care,' Monica smiled, kissing him lightly on the lips. Chandler grinned.

'I'd hate to think that you didn't care,' he said, kissing her back.

Just as the kiss was building up to something, a strange noise that sounded like deep, rattling breathing broke them apart. They heard Ross murmur slightly.

'What was that?' Monica questioned, trying to steady her breathing. 'Was it the Chick or Duck?'

'No, since when were they related to Darth Vader?' Chandler quipped, swinging his legs off the bed. 'Besides, they're in Joey's room. You wouldn't be able to hear them make much noise.'

There was another sound, this time a scratching that sounded like it was coming from the front door.

'Maybe it's Joey?' Monica suggested. 'Locked himself out again or something?'

'It's not possible,' Chandler replied, shaking his head. 'I purposely left everything unchained and unlocked for you… and Joey in case he came back.'

'Chandler, what if it's a burglar?'

'Calm down, it's probably just Ross. I'll check outside.'

Without another word, Chandler disappeared into the living room, shutting the door behind him. Monica was left sitting on his bed, alone in the dark.

Outside, Chandler peered around in the darkness. He heard a lone car drive past the building outside, the sound trailing off as it drove into the distance. A little greyish moonlight was sneaking through the gaps in the blinds. Chandler saw the dark silhouette of Ross sat up on the sofa bed.

'Ross?' Chandler said in a low voice. He saw the shadowy figure move so that it was looking in his general direction.

'Chandler, that… that wasn't you making the weird noise, was it?' Ross asked after a

brief moment's hesitation.

'Why would I do that?'

'I don't know, to freak me out maybe? Sounds like the sort of thing you'd do.'

'As much fun as that would be, it wasn't me. It's probably just Joey thinking he's being funny. I bet he's stood outside laughing at his little joke.'

'Yeah, you're right,' Ross replied, sounding reassured. He stood up. 'Still, I'd rather check.'

In the darkness, Ross couldn't see Chandler rolling his eyes. Chandler strode across the room and opened the door with a slight click. He stuck his head out to look up and down the lit hallway, but he couldn't see anybody. He frowned and stepped out. He took a few steps along the hallway to check up and down the stairs, but there was no sign of Joey, or

anyone. He started back towards his apartment.

'Anything?' Ross asked, poking his head out of the door.

'Nothing, nobody's there,' Chandler answered.

'Hang on, why is Monica and Rachel's apartment door open?'

Chandler looked to where Ross was pointing. The girl's apartment door was ajar and Chandler thought he could hear scuffling noises from within. He knew Monica was in his bedroom, so maybe it was Rachel? Or, perhaps Monica hadn't closed it properly on her way over.

'It's probably Rachel,' Chandler said, just as Ross suggested that it could be Monica.

'Definitely not Rachel,' Ross muttered, shaking his head. 'She had a date with that Danny guy again, said she was staying at his place while his sister was out. It'll be Monica.'

From across the hall, they heard something fall to the floor with a metallic clanging and the Darth Vader-esque breathing once again. Chandler was slightly worried about the noises coming from the girls' apartment, as he knew that it wasn't Monica and was unlikely to be Rachel. Despite the suspicious circumstances, he was also wondering why Monica hadn't told him that Rachel had a date; it would have been easier for him to go to her place for the night.

'Except, it might not be Monica…' Ross said slowly. Chandler bit back a retort about being inclined to agree as she was currently sat on his bed.

'Uh, wh-why do you think that?' he asked instead.

'It just doesn't sound like her… And, I don't want to worry you, but about ten minutes ago, I heard our apartment door open.'

That was Monica, Chandler thought.

'I thought it was Joey, so I ignored it,' Ross continued. 'I was only half- awake anyway, I had an idea about a really evil letter to write to Emily and I-,'

'Get to the point, Ross,' Chandler cut in. He was beginning to think that there was a burglar in the girls' apartment.

'Yeah, so I've now figured that whoever it was who opened the door wasn't Joey. What if it was like, a- a burglar or something? Except, he saw me on the couch and decided to try Monica and Rachel's apartment instead, y'know, in case he got caught.'

'Makes sense…'

'It still could be Monica over there,' Ross reasoned. 'But I'd rather check, just in case.'

'Better safe than sorry,' Chandler added, having his own, unspoken reasons for agreeing. He wondered how much of their conversation Monica could hear. 'I just have to… uh, get something from my bedroom, then we can go check it out.'

He didn't wait for a reply from Ross, just turned and took the few steps to his bedroom, making sure to close the door firmly behind him.

'Well?' Monica asked immediately, kneeling up on his bed, eyes bright.

'Uh, how much of our conversation did you actually hear?' he asked, scratching the back of his head. Monica's eyebrows furrowed at this odd remark.

'Nothing really, I couldn't make out what you were saying.'

'Okay then… Your apartment door is slightly open and the creepy breathing is coming from in there… And, apparently, Rachel's not there either.'

'What? Oh my gosh… You're sure it's not Rachel?'

'Ross said she had a date.'

'I know, I just didn't get the chance to tell you because you left to help Joey find his shoe… What're we going to do?'

'Ross and I are going to take a look. And, I think, just to be on the safe side, you should go down the hall and come up the stairs like you're coming back from somewhere.'

'Why? Because if I did see a burglar in my own home I'd show him a thing or two, I wouldn't run!'

'I'm sure you would,' Chandler mused, looking at her with a mix of exasperation and amusement. She was interesting women, that was for sure.

'Well, then, why?'

'In case Ross wonders why you haven't noticed anything! Light sleepers usually notice when uninvited men wander around their property!'

'Alright, alright. Where am I supposed to say I've been?'

'I don't know. Maybe you thought you left an oven on in the restaurant?'

'Does that honestly sound like the sort of thing I'd do?'

'Sounds like the sort of thing you'd worry about,' Chandler retorted, lying down beside his bed and looking for something under it. He stretched out his arm and grabbed something cool and smooth. A golf club that had never been used. He stood up again, aware of the strange look Monica was giving him.

'I'd like to be prepared,' he explained, testing the weight of the club in his hands. He gave Monica a quick kiss. 'When me and Ross go into your apartment, you go down the end of the hall and walk up if you see us coming out. We could all be worrying about nothing.'

Monica didn't usually like to be told what to do by anybody, especially something to do concerning her apartment. The current circumstances, however, were an exception and she felt safer knowing that Chandler and Ross were going to investigate it… and were armed with a golf club.

'Be careful,' she whispered as he disappeared out of the door again.

Ross was hovering by the kitchen counter, eyes flickering between the door and Chandler.

'Were you talking to someone in there?' he queried.

'Myself,' Chandler answered as fast as possible. He couldn't think of any other answer.

'Right,' Ross said, deciding not to question his friend who had been known to mutter to himself. 'What's the golf club for?'

'I thought I'd ask if whoever's in the girls' apartment is free for a game next week, you know,' Chandler replied, carefully injecting sarcasm into his tone. During this time, it had clicked with Ross why Chandler was currently carrying the golf club.

'What about me?' he asked, slightly panicked. 'What if there's a big scary guy in there who decides to attack _me_?'

Chandler scanned around the counter and picked up Ross's newspaper. He grabbed it and rolled it up.

'You swat him like a fly,' he answered.

'Thanks,' Ross said dryly, snatching up the paper anyway.

'Over we go then.'

Ross opened the door and took the first step out into the hallway. The door to Monica and Rachel's' apartment was still open. The sound of feet being dragged across the wooden floorboards echoed hauntingly across the hall. Both Chandler and Ross were now aware of their hearts beating against their ribs, the pounding resounding in their ears. They had no idea who or what could be in the apartment. Chandler reached out and took hold of the door handle. It was cold against his sweaty palm.

'I'm a big brave dog, I'm a big brave dog,' Ross was muttering with his eyes tight shut, the rolled up newspaper clutched tightly to his chest. It wasn't really helping. Chandler slid his hand off the handle.

'What if someone is actually in there?' he questioned. Ross opened his eyes.

'That's kind of what we're expecting,' he whispered slowly.

'Yeah, but what if it's a big, _huge_ guy with a knife?'

'Attack him?'

'So, you're saying that if there's an angry guy in there, armed with a potentially lethal weapon, I whack him with this club and you… bore him into a coma with today's featured science article?'

'First of all, I resent that statement. Second of all- do you have a better idea?'

'Call 911?'

'But we don't even know if there's anyone in there. It could be a- a bird…' Ross suggested meekly.

'I did see a scary pigeon on the balcony once, but I doubt it.'

'That leaves us with this option then.'

'So, basically, two wimpy guys taking on someone who breaks into other people's homes for fun.'

'I am not a wimp!'

'Of course, I forgot… You're a _big brave dog_,' Chandler mimicked as mockingly as he could.

'Shut up, man. We're wasting time.'

'Right, suck it up, we're going in.'

Chandler placed his hand back on the handle, not feeling any better about what he was about to do. Ross closed his eyes once again, mouthing his brave dog chant to himself.

Chandler pushed the door open as slowly and silently as he could, holding the club up, bracing himself for any kind of impact.

There was nobody inside. The kitchen light was on and the room seemed suddenly completely quiet and still. A lone saucepan lay in the middle of the floor. Ross opened his eyes and jumped slightly at the sight of his own shadow. He walked forward, following Chandler who was now stood by the kitchen table. He bent down and picked up the saucepan, before placing it on the table.

Chandler pointed at Ross and then at Rachel's room, signalling for Ross to check it. He then gestured at himself and then at Monica's room. He would look in there. Ross nodded once to show that he understood. Chandler started towards Monica's bedroom.

Ross headed for Rachel's, his breathing shallow. He held up his newspaper, crushing it in his vice-like grip. The door to her bedroom was open. Visions of angry burglars, escaped convicts and bloodthirsty serial killers flooded his mind.

Ross stepped in, peering around. It was dark and he didn't want to anger anyone who could be hiding in there by flicking on the light. Besides, there was just enough streetlight streaming through the pale blinds for him to see. No sign of anyone, but the bedcovers looked a bit of a mess. Choosing to do the job properly, Ross crossed to the other side of the room, took a deep breath and opened the wardrobe. Nothing but clothes and shoes in complete disarray. He checked under Rachel's bed, scared of seeing a pair of bloodshot eyes staring straight back at him. Instead, he was confronted by more shoes.

He left the bedroom, wondering if Chandler had found anything. Once he was back out in the living room, he could see that Chandler was already done with his search of Monica's room, as he was checking by the window. Chandler shook his head at Ross, indicating to him that he had found nothing. Ross frowned- where was Monica? What had happened to the source of the noise?

Just then, the breathing started up again. It was joined by the sounds of someone rummaging and small objects clattering on tiles. The bathroom. Ross found himself at Chandler's side, both about to enter the bathroom. The door was closed.

Their hearts started up again as Ross gently pushed the door open. Chandler took a step forward as he did so, gripping the golf club so tightly that he was surprised it hadn't snapped cleanly in two. Even though what was on the other side wasn't what they had expected at all, Ross only just caught a girlish scream in his throat.

'Sleepwalker!' he cried, unable to stop himself.

Rachel stood before them; her eyes closed and face oddly blank. Her mouth hung open as she breathed- the sound that they had heard from across the hall. She was dressed in sweatpants and an old t-shirt and her hair was tousled and frizzy at the back. Chandler lowered the golf club and put a hand over his frantically beating heart as it began to slow down.

'Talk of an anti-climax,' he breathed, relieved that they hadn't discovered a murdered trying to hide a mangled corpse in Monica and Rachel's bath. He turned to Ross. 'What should we do?'

'Nothing,' Ross replied, backing out of the crowded bathroom. 'It's not good to wake up a sleepwalker.'

Chandler backed out after him. Rachel swayed where she stood.

'Lost my earring,' she stated sleepily. 'Looked everywhere… Can't find it.'

'Let's just leave her alone,' Ross said. 'She'll sort herself out eventually.'

'Did you know she sleepwalked?' Chandler asked as they headed for the door.

'I've heard her talk in her sleep, but never walk,' Ross said.

They almost collided with Monica as she came sprinting up the stairs and down the hallway.

'What're you doing in my apartment?' she demanded, putting on a rather good act considering she knew exactly what they had been doing.

'We heard some weird noises, thought it might be a burglar,' Chandler explained breezily, catching her eye in a reassuring manner. She returned the look briefly before wheeling back round on Ross.

'Did you find anyone? They haven't taken any of my stuff have they?'

'Don't worry, it was just Rachel, sleepwalking,' Ross said. 'Hang on, why are you out here… in your pyjamas?'

'I-uh… I thought I left the oven on in the restaurant!' she answered shrilly.

'So you went to find out and didn't even get dressed first?'

'There's no time to get changed when you're faced with the possibility of fire, Ross,' she said, as if it was extremely obvious. It was a feeble argument, but Ross shrugged and accepted it.

A bang came from within Monica and Rachel's apartment.

'Owwww,' they heard Rachel groan. Monica brushed past Chandler and Ross and opened the apartment door. Rachel was lying on the wooden floor; it appeared that she had just fallen over.

'Are you okay, Rach?' Monica asked, rushing forwards to her side.

'Yeah…' she said, rubbing her ribs. 'Fell over…' She looked up. 'What're you two guys doing here? Actually, what am I doing here?'

'Now there's a question for you,' Chandler smirked, Rachel glared back at him.

'It would seem that you sleepwalk, Rach,' Ross told her.

'Weird, I don't remember anything like that… I came home from Danny's because his sister came home early, I got ready for bed, got into bed… and now I'm here,' she said, more to herself than anybody else.

'Sleepwalkers don't tend to remember what they do when they're asleep,' Ross said. 'It's like when you have a dream that you don't remember when you wake up, you just move at the same time... Kind of act it out.'

Rachel stood up with Monica's help.

'I haven't walked around in my sleep before?' she asked, directing her question at her roommate, who was holding her arm.

'Never,' Monica answered.

'Weird… Chandler, why have you got a golf club?'

'I thought now was the perfect time to work on my swing,' he answered sarcastically, placing the unneeded golf club over his shoulder. Rachel rolled her eyes, not expecting any clearer answer. 'I think our business here is done, Ross.'

'Yeah… See you tomorrow,' Ross said, following Chandler out.

''Night,' Monica said, closing the door behind them. They all returned to their respective bedrooms, having had enough excitement for one night.

A couple of minutes later, Rachel called out through the darkness.

'Mon?'

'Yeah?' Came Monica's sleepy reply, a couple of seconds later.

'If I start sleepwalking again, just throw some water on me or something.'

'Right.'

'Goodnight.'

''Night, Rach.'

I'm not sure how pleased I am with the final result, but I hope you enjoyed reading it.


End file.
